I’ve been pulling lots of late nights and haven’t been getting too much sleep lately. As a result, I’ve found that my affinity for coffee is returning. However, as a result of my resolution to lose weight and get in shape, I’ve restricted my intake of coffee to having it black with artificial sweetener. Yes, I know… no more lattes, cappucinos, or any of that other coffee goodness. 
Nonetheless, I’ve been to a few nice restaurants that served fantastic coffee even when consumed black. Turning to the Internet with Google at my side, I started my quest to for the perfect cup of coffee.
I embarked on this endeavor thinking it would be a rather simple process, but I was about to find out that it is apparently somewhat of a science. Sadly, I’m still not sure what all I need to do to get that perfect cup of java. Depending on what site you go to, they’ll tell you that the size of the coffee grinds need to be smaller, larger, microscopic, the size of small dinosaurs, etc. What am I supposed to think? If that weren’t bad enough, some make it sound like that perfect cup of coffee isn’t attainable unless you seek out a real “barista“. That begged the question of “What exactly is a barrista?” I thought it was just one of those machines they sold at Starbucks, but according to Google, it boils down to someone who is an expert at making coffee. Crap! That’s not me!
Already clearly confused, I decided to struggle on. Many places stated the quality of one’s coffee making equipment as a major determinant of the coffee’s quality. I thought that seemed reasonable so I decided to look at some of the recommended pieces of equipment. Let’s just say I don’t have the $400-500 to fork out for the industrial grade equipment that they recommend. Ugghh! I just want a solid cup of coffee! I decided to seek out simpler things like the correct ratio of water to coffee grinds. Once again, everyone seems to have their own opinion on what ratio of coffee to water makes the best tasting cup. Of course, I guess that’s logical as the ratio would determine the strength of the cup of coffee. Still, I just want to make a nice smooth cup of coffee, and I came away none the wiser on how to make it.
Well, it’s my turn to throw in my two cents on the subject. Here’s my guide to making the perfect cup of coffee:
- Hop on a plane and head on over to Jamaica.
- Go hand pick your beans (for freshness of couse).
- Rub your handy magic lamp and wish for a barista to roast your beans.
- Build a time machine and go to the future to find the most advanced coffee maker man has ever known.
- Perform advanced matrix calculations to determine the correct grind for your coffee beans.
- Generate a random number rand between 1 and 1,000,000.
- Ratio of water to coffee grind will be 1oz : rand tbsn(s).
- Perform reverse osmosis on your tap water for the best freshness and taste.
- Program your coffee maker to generate 1 microliter of coffee (it’s best to brew smaller amounts).
- Ingest your single microliter serving using a small “micro dropper”.
- Repeat the above steps 236,588.237 times to get 1 cup of coffee.
That’s it! Pretty easy, isn’t it? If anyone else has any ideas or suggestions on how to create the perfect cup of coffee, please feel free to let me know!
hilariously brilliant! loved your 11 steps to a good cup of coffee! i have no intelligent means of adding to your steps, but i can say that while in Belize, i learned the coffee bean is actually the pit of a very sweet red berry.
still learning while in my 30’s…..