Chazography

Do you remember back in elementary school when your teacher would make you write stupid essays on topics like “What fruit/vegetable/appliance/world power/continent/body part/celestial body/body of water best describes you?” I do, but it’s not something that I sit down and pontificate for hours upon hours… upon hours. Really, I don’t. So I’m not sure why it just popped into my head all of a sudden, and I’ve got to wonder where the heck these crazy thoughts come from. If I didn’t know better, I’d think there was some sort of thought blob in my head that randomly eats or stirs up thoughts. Come to think of it… I don’t know any better, but that’s really just a tangent for another day.

Now back to the topic at hand (that’s stupid essay topics from Middle School for those with a short attention span). Unable to shake these stupid middle school prompts from my mind, I decided to go ahead and ponder what appliance, device, or machine I’d most want to be. One would think this to be a simple task, but I can assure you it’s far from that. Afterall, I must first develop a list of attributes I’d want my appliance to possess. Then I’d need find a device that is the best fit to those features. Let’s start with my list.

Appliance Attributes

• It’s incredibly fast.
• It’s dead sexy.
• All the ladies want it.
• It’s extremely intelligent.
• Its incredibly tough, strong, and durable.
• It’s wicked awesome.
• It has a self-sustaining power supply.
• It can fly as well as travel above and below water.

I did a lot of thinking, and I must reiterate that I did a LOT of thinking (probably a full minute or so). I came to one conclusion. There currently is no device that fits the bill, and hence, I decided to create my own. An item so amazing, so outstanding, so mesmerizing, so absolutely incredible that it’s something everyone will be unable to live without. What is this miracle device? A robot clone of myself of course. You see! I told you it would be awesome! Just think how fulfilling your life would be if you could have your very own RoboChaz. Go ahead. It’s okay to fantasize.

So I’m sure some skeptics out there are saying, “Chaz, you can’t fly, and you need food to sustain yourself!” Bahhh, I say! I can fly, but I choose not to do it while others are looking. I’m not a flashy individual. As far as needing food, I don’t really need it, but I “choose” to eat it because it tastes good. Besides I wouldn’t want people to think that I’m anorexic or something and then decide to copy me (since I’m wicked awesome) not knowing that I don’t need food to survive. That would be seriously detrimental to their health, and I wouldn’t want to be the cause of that, now would I? So hopefully that is proof enough to sway you skeptics out there, but if not, go away you… you… poopy heads!

I’m sure most of you were wondering how I might respond to this momentous question. Well, now you know and knowing is half the battle! (Yeah, I totally ripped that from G.I. Joe)